Why Women on Dating Sites Are Scared to Meet in Person

If a woman you’re seeing online hesitates to meet, she’s not interested.

But is this always true?

According to a report by the Pew Research Center, 60% of women under 35 have been pursued by someone online even after they said they weren’t interested, compared to 27% of men.

Another study reports 44% of women had been called an offensive name vs. 23% of men, and 19% of women have received threats of physical harm compared to 9% of men.

With that in mind, we can see why some women who date online hesitate to meet in person.

The general consensus is that women tend to have more negative experiences in terms of online sexual harassment compared to men.

Whether it’s being sent explicit messages, photos, or any unwanted sexual advances, research has consistently highlighted the many dangers that women face on online dating platforms.

Naturally, some men find it frustrating when a woman they have been interacting with shows interest, yet is apprehensive about an in-person meeting.

But public reports, statistics, and even common knowledge suggest that trauma and past negative experiences play a role in women’s reluctance.

Does Online Dating Work the Same Way for Men and Women?

On one hand, men will say that dating sites and apps are more favorable for women. On the other hand, women will say that it’s riskier for them to meet potential partners online.

Then again, one person’s reality doesn’t make someone else’s reality less scary or real. We all face different challenges when it comes to navigating people’s intentions, especially when you have to do it behind a screen.

How much more if you’re interested in building a relationship with them in person?

As such, women will have a propensity to hesitate or delay an in-person meeting.

Aside from a fear for their safety, here are some equally important factors to consider.

The “pen pals” syndrome

Just to be clear, this happens to both men and women.

There is a safety net that comes with online interactions. Many women feel safer this way, and they can better craft their messages and responses.

If they receive unfavorable messages from men, it’s easier for them to disengage from the conversation. They also have the option to block them. But that doesn’t change the fact that it can be a distressing experience.

Online platforms can be a comfortable space for women as well, since there is no commitment required. They can focus on getting to know someone and building rapport.

Social anxiety

Building a social connection online allows women to explore the different types of attention they receive and the different personalities they encounter.

They can use this to better assess men’s intentions, especially before agreeing to meet in person.

After all, there are certain complexities and vulnerabilities that come with face-to-face interactions, and some women may not feel ready for that just yet.

When they are asked to meet in person, the pressure is already there, even when this isn’t a man’s intention. They know they will need to decide soon whether to say yes or ask to extend their online communication.

In the process of doing this, they may also worry about disappointing the men who are asking to meet them, or worse, that it may drive them to pursue someone else.

Personal expectations

Even when things are going great, not everyone will have the same pacing when it comes to building a connection or relationship. They may have different preferences for when and where they would like to meet.

Not only that, but the spontaneity of an in-person meeting can also take away the sense of control women have in presenting themselves as a desirable option.

As much as they want to build on their connection online, they’re worried that it may not translate well in person. So apart from the potential physical risks associated with an in-person meeting, many women want to build a strong emotional connection beforehand.

Filtering options

Men must know by now that women receive more messages on any online dating platform. This means they will have to spend more time filtering out their options not just in terms of compatibility, but also in terms of men who are only interested in hooking up.

As a result, women may not be able to answer your request right away to meet in person.

When Is an Ideal Time to Meet in Person?

Online dating sites remain one of the best places to meet single women, especially for men who are struggling to find potential partners in their local area. Even then, their next challenge is transitioning to a face-to-face meeting.

The connection is there, you’re both interested in each other, so how do you know if she’s ready to take the next step?

• Virtual dates. Not only are they a thing, but they can help potential couples a lot in gauging each other’s interest better. The only difference is that you won’t be doing it face to face.

  You can have virtual dates at home, or if you’re both feeling adventurous, you can go to a nice restaurant with a theme in mind. Maybe Mexican? Chinese? Fine dining? A more relaxed environment works, too, like a quiet coffee shop.

  During this time, you will both have each other’s attention. Use this to ask relevant questions. Build a deeper connection and strive to understand each other’s intentions not just regarding a potential relationship but also for the future. See if your goals align. Do you share the same values?

  Virtual dates don’t have to be actual dates either. You can simply schedule a video call so you can talk and get to know each other more.

• Don’t be vague. Maybe by the third or fourth week you feel like it’s a good time to ask if she would be open to meeting in person. Before you actually ask her, think of some options that you would both be comfortable with.

  For instance, if you both live in different countries, would you want to visit her or have her come visit you instead? Would you be willing to cover the expenses if she were to come visit you?

  That’s just scratching the surface. But the goal is to see if she feels ready to do either. If she gives vague answers or avoids the topic altogether, it might be too soon for her. At this point, you want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

  If you’re open to visiting her, you can play out scenarios of how you would love to go to this café in the city and have lunch at this other restaurant. Then maybe go to a museum. Places she would most likely be familiar with. You can also use this to gauge whether she would feel more comfortable if you went to visit her.

Delaying an In-Person Meeting Can Be a Good Thing

For both of you. You need to respect each other’s pace, and most of all, be patient. Just because you’re ready to meet in person doesn’t mean she is.

In fact, you can use this time to pay attention to how she engages with you. If it seems like she’s only stalling, then you don’t have to continue interacting with her. Don’t feel too bad if what you thought was a great connection doesn’t work out.

If anything, it’s a good sign that you haven’t moved on to an in-person meeting yet. You would have spent a considerable amount of time, money, and energy in meeting her, only to end up realizing that it all happened too soon.

Next thing you know, you’re back to square one.

So make the most of your online dating experience by being patient, mindful, and considerate. If women aren’t interested at all, they will say so.

If they are hesitant, you’ll need to be a bit more understanding of the reasons behind it.

---

Reference:

Anderson, Monica and Emily Vogels. 2020. “Young women often face sexual harassment online – including on dating sites and apps.” Pew Research Center.

https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2020/03/06/young-women-often-face-sexual-harassment-online-including-on-dating-sites-and-apps/